There is a great man whom I feel has been recognized by many - but not enough. I have long understood how mighty he is and he has become my idol.
Not only because he is my father and he has taught me everything I know about life, especially sex, but at the age of 36 has accomplished a great many things.
Since father's day is right around the corner (not really, but I always pretend it is) I decided to write this homage to my father, Daddy McP, a.k.a. Selwyn Harris. I have come up with 20 reasons why he is the greatest man in the world.
I also did one of those stupid things that I remember they made me do in like kindergarten (the few times I was allowed to go to school, when I wasn't in the cage) where I take every letter of his name and write something good about him. So this is my homage to my father. The top 20 are in no particular order by the way.
1. He has an enormous beautiful dick.
2. He has fucked many women fat and skinny, all with really nice tits. He also had a teenage girlfriend when he was about 30 who probably had small tits.
3. He raised me in a cage and fed me only chicken bones.
4. He published Happyland and changed zines forever.
5. Other zinesters tried to squash his spirit, but he soldiered on, triumphant.
6. He worked at Hustler for a million years, so he knows a bunch of awesome people.
7. He grew up in Brooklyn, New York, when I wish I did and therefore knows a lot more awesome famous people that I wish I knew.
8. He makes a shitload of money looking at naked women on the internet all day and watching porno and writing about it (a job most men dream of having).
9. He has a beautiful cock.
10. He bought me a pony when I was 10, which I kept in the cage with me until it took a shit on my butterfly collection and I decided to cut it up and use it for food, but I preserved its head and it is my prized possession. Every time I look at it, I think of the cage and my daddy.
11. He will make me famous
12. He had beautiful fatties breastfeed me until I was 14 and accidentally bit one of their nipples off. I still have the nipple. Sorry, Lady Cherise.
13. He pumps out dirty words like Mormon women pump out babies.
14. He cut the penis off of my first boyfriend for getting me an ugly corsage to wear to the prom.
15. He had Collective Soul play my Sweet 16 party.
16. He plays guitar better than Paul Leary in the best band ever, Gays in the Military.
18. He can masturbate while eating a pizza with an unspeakable zest for life.
19. He has funded my Harvard education and Oxford graduate program.
20. Best of all, he spawned me with his beautiful, erect penis and perfect supersperm and made a tiny genius who will hopefully someday mirror her daddy.
I just ate McDonalds and I think I'm going to have the worst diarrhea in my life, but, yeah, Selwyn rules. So perfect, even his shit does not smell.
This was no way spawned by anything that my father told me to do. It was all done on my own accord because I love him so much and just wanted to let him know that. Thank you.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, April 3, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)