MY PARTY WITH FRED BURKHART.

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http://www.projectonward.org/artists/megmccarville

I, at the age of 31, have become INCONTINANT, MEANING I PISS MYSELF. THANK GOD FOR CAT BOXES!

HOLY SHIT.... I NEVER THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN, BUT I THINK I'VE BECOME INCONTINENT.... MEANING I PISS MY PANTS.... AND NOT WHILE DRINKING....  I have long made fun of pee pads and women pissing their pants and wearing diapers, and making fun of commercials with younger hot women talking about how they piss their pants with a shit eating grin (no pun intended) on their faces, and saying that it is NOT POSSIBLE for someone that young AND PRETTY to piss their pants like all the time, but like it's totally happened... One time two days ago, which I blew off as like an "OOP'S I PISSED MY PANTS IN A GROCERY STORE" moment (sorta like an AHA MOMENT except you piss your pants).... the story with that is that I was in a dollar store, and I had to piss, and I have long since been able to hold pee in (and herein lies the cause of the problem i believe).... As a child, I would yell at my mother for constantly having to piss at places like amusement parks and (OH YEA. DUH) WATERPARKS (uuh go in the fucking pool duh?) when i wanted to ride the rides.... I was ALWAYS AMAZING AT HOLDING MY PISS IN...  Then, as I grew older, I would yell at my friends for constantly having to find a bathroom when we were out, and later as I became a degenerate and so did the people I was hanging around with, berated them for constantly having to stop to not find a bathroom but just sit down and piss in an alley or (the best one ever, thanks NATALEE) was on a park bench in New Orleans made of wood planks in which we both were wearing skirts and proceeded to just sit down and piss through the planks.... Natalee Decker has to PISS ALL THE TIME and it totally annoyed me.... But like I said, I was just living in Oakland in a basement, and the bathroom is upstairs OUTSIDE THE HOUSE and with PEOPLE WHO I DON'T LIKE AND DON'T LIKE ME so I neglected to ever use it.... This would cause me to save up gallons of piss in my bladder and not relieve myself, except in cups and bottles, which i would overflow and miss....  Also, living on the bus proved to be difficult when having to piss... I was in public (not like I care, but I don't want to get arrested by the OAKLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT FOR SOMETHING RIDICULOUS AGAIN.... JUDGING BY THE SCALE AND SEVERITY OF THE CRIME OF MY PREVIOUS ARREST, PISSING IN PUBLIC WOULD ENTAIL A BILLION DOLLAR BAIL but i digress) and having to use cups and overfill them and stuff.... So I learned to just fucking HOLD IT THE FUCK IN.... I remember someone staying on the bus with me watched me fill a two liter and was like HOLY SHIT MEG HOW DID YOU DO THAT?. It was normal for me... I often could tap 40 bottles, 2 liters, and 3 gallon jugs.... It was because I was holding it in for so fucking long to wait for the time that I was either not depressed enough to get out of the bed and not piss myself (yea I'm actually not that lazy to piss myself in the bed... thought about it many times... more times than you'd imagine, but i made myself get up, foregoing the option of lying in my rancid piss for the rest of eternity, thank you).  Living in the basement was annoying because I'd often be watching a good movie with my boyfriend and he'd have to piss and I'd yell at him not to cuz he was going to miss something good.... And I'd be like JUST FUCKING HOLD YOUR PISS. I DO.  I was proud of it.... I made anyone who decided to relieve themselves feel like a stepped on piece of shit for doing so. And I was proud of my talent... But I am writing this to say, especially to those of you who may be young and be like me, an idiot who berades the folks who choose to relieve themselves during a good part of a movie, or forego a spot in line at an amusement park in order to empty their bladder.... HOLD IT THE FUCK IN.... I'D ALWAYS SAY. And now, it has come back to haunt me...  The other day, I was at the dollar store and the urge to piss came on so fucking strong.  I had never felt anything like it.... I am usually warned hours before I have to piss, so my lazy ass can try to get to a recepticle, and delay it as much as possible.... Well I had to piss so bad, and I knew they wouldn't let me use their toilet in the dollar store but I asked anyhow, and they said they didn't have one so i RAN LIKE HELL across the street, holding my pee hole, to the grocery store, and asked a hispanic employee where the bathroom was... she looked confused.... I yelled, in complete desperation, clutching my throbbing piss hole EL BANO!!!!!!!!!!! and she merely pointed to the back of the store.... It was coming.... I could feel it.... and I ran to the back of the store, into the stockroom where the bano usually is, and I COULDN'T FUCKING FIND IT, even ascended a flight of stairs with ease to find MORE FUCKING GROCERIES AND A CONFUSED LOOKING MEXICAN....  I ran down the stairs and then it happened, the warm piss just streamed down my leg and it only lasted  like 5 seconds, no biggie, but I've had bladder infections before, and I know how pissing feels when you are conflicted with one of those, like in Nightmare in Elm Street 4 i think when the dog pisses fire (I always think of that... It's so badass!), but this did not feel like that...  It didn't hurt... it was just.... relief.... and then sheer terror at the fact that i pissed myself without being drunk, and then relief again that it wasn't a lot of piss, and then hysterical laughing when i looked at the little puddle of piss on the floor and i walked away picturing somebody discovering it and trying to picture their reaction.... Was it a Chiuhuahua?. (yea, cuz it's a MEXICAN GROCERY STORE)....  But that one, I wrote off.  I had not pissed myself in years, like ten, since I was in my early twenties and I used to drink and piss myself nightly.... but that's another story. and that was a loooong time ago.  But then tonite, just now, it happened again.... It was not a nightmare.... I was right here on my computer entering something into my blog and I got the urge again, very well knowing what I did a mere 2 days ago and trying to avoid that situation like the plague.  I'll just get another few words in, I thought, just a few.... and then I opened the door of my sro to run to the bathroom and SOMEONE WAS IN THE SHOWER.... fucking I HATE PEOPLE WHO TAKE SHOWERS, AND I ALWAYS HAVE.... so I turned to my piss cup in the room, a water bottle with a wide mouth and a top that my mother just gave me and I immediately, upon seeing it, thought PISS CUP, PERFECT SCORE!. It was half full already, but I would use it, and overflow might just happen, but i did have some accessable plastic cups in the room to transfer (oh yea I used to be able to turn my bladder on and off too), so I quickly unscrewed the top, and the smell of rancid piss hit me in the face.... I remembered promising myself I wouldn't start pissing in bottles and cups in THIS APARTMENT. THINGS WERE GOING TO CHANGE. BUT THIS CUP WAS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY, and this, my friends, was a dire emergency...  I barely got my pants half down and was unscrewing the top of the wide mouthed bottle thinking i'd barely make it BUT IT HAPPENED AGAIN.... And in my apartment no less... Just thank god there was a cat box underneath the shelf with the water bottle.... So all the piss ran into my pants and the cat box.... Then I was like, OH YEA A CAT BOX.... I DON'T EVER HAVE TO EVEN USE THE BATHROOM HERE!.  Yea, thank goodness for cat litter, but it is NOT A SOLUTION.... PEOPLE (I GUESS?) SHOULD NOT BE PISSING IN THEIR CAT'S LITTER BOXES (although there is the most pleasant of fragrances AFTER I did it, never experienced that, they sure have gone far with cat litter, how come they don't do that with human toilets?) but yea WE SHOULD NOT???? USE CAT BOXES. Well I don't know the cat box has it's benefits, but speaking as the FEMME DE SOCIETIE that i may be, or as Anne Landers would say people shouldn't be pissing in their cat boxes (I'm going to debate that notion now in another essay).... The point is that at 31, I think that I, Meg McCarville have become incontinent.... and now the person who once smelt it, has in fact delt it... I made fun of incontinent women, pee pads, depends, etc. and thought I was IMMUNE to incontinance.... Well, NO ONE IS, AN YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH YOUR BLADDER.... PISS WHEN YOU HAVE TO.... LISTEN TO MOUTHS OF BABES.... I was pottytrained by one year old!!!!. Now, at 31, all that talent has gone, for lack of a better term, down the toilet....  THANK GOD FOR CATBOXES!!!!.