A Day That Will Live In Skinfamy

Do you know where you were when Kennedy was assassinated? Do you know where you were when you heard the bomb was dropped on Pearl Harbor? Do you know where you were on September the 11, 2001, when the two planes crashed into the World Trade Center? Do you know where you were on April 18, 2007, and the world froze?

Everything stopped. Seven plagues were released at one time. Every serious problem in my life--the diseases I have, the fact that my dad is dying, the fact that I have no income, the fact that I live in a shit-hole, et cetera, et cetera--suddenly did not matter. Two events happened on this day that will darken my life forever.

The first. A beautiful man named Sanjaya Malakar was selected to be one of the top finalists on American Idol. Although I have always enjoyed the Idol, there has never once been a contestant close to as amazing and talented and as Arab as Sanjaya (who, yes, I know is actually Indian).

Everyday when I drove around listening to the local black music station I got to listen to how much Sanjaya had no talent whatsoever, and how he should work at a 7-11 or go blow up a plane.

People were outraged. I took little notice until, on Extra, I saw a sad story about some fat wench teenager who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was eliminated from Idol. Believe me, she needed the fast. I really think he was doing her a favor.

Each week I watched. Each week Sanjaya came up with the most ridiculous songs and sang them terribly. Each week, I got to watch Paula squirm in her chair searching violently for something not too mean to say to the dusky-hued young superstar.

Randy would say his usual "Yo, dog, I'm just not feelin' it." He gets off easy. Paula, though, was really shaken. She is the nice one and she has to give feedback to this singer. It was wonderful to watch her drunk ass squirm. Half the time I couldn't tell a word she was saying, so it didn't really matter. It was usually some mumble about choosing the wrong song, and then her eyes would close.

But Simon, as everyone knows, showed no mercy. Every week he would not hesitate to use his famous catch phrases and call Sanjaya the most horrible disgusting singer he's ever seen, and that he was making a mockery of Idol, and I really think Sanjaya, with his lack of talent and being able to get so far in the competition, made Mr. Cowell genuinely angry, which was great.

With this, I was in love. Each performance got worse and worse. And Snajaya would choose the most horrible songs. Even I could not figure out who he was or what his deal was. It was impossible to pin him down. Was he just a stupid kid? Or was he someone really smart who was making a mockery of everything? I like to think the latter. Plus he had great hair.

The week before Sanjaya was cut was Idol's Latin episode. Sanjaya and J.Lo worked on a rendition of “Besa Mi Mucho.” I think because the song is in a different language, people didn't recognize how bad it was. Thus, this was the first Sanjaya performance to get the review by Cowell as not being extremely horrible.

For me, it melted this disgusting girl's heart.

The close-ups on Sanjaya's gentle face were mesmerizing. His bedroom eyes looked right at me, seemed to be saying: "Lil Princess, I want to stick my big brownish penis into your vagina and have hot sexual intercourse. Oooh." I had about 6 orgasms merely by watching him sing that song. I didn't even have to touch myself. I just wanted to run my fingers through that hair and have him all to me forever.

THEN IT HAPPENED. APRIL 18TH.

Far away, in Australia, there was another reality show going on. A very popular one as well, which I rarely miss: America's Next Top Model. Rarely do I identify with anyone on that show, but then along came a Blewish girl named Jael Strauss.

I had stopped watching this season (gasp) because the last couple had been way too lame and I started to really loathe Tyra and her "one of the girls on the block" attitude. But I was informed by Mr. McPadden that there was a girl on this cycle of ANTM who resembled me, not only in the way that she looked, but in the way she talked--very slowly, like she was on a lot of downers.

Jael is from Detroit, and she did resemble me quite a bit. Blonde hair, skinny, slow talker. And her name is pronounced "Jail!"

Uniquely gorgeous Jael says that she's half black and half Jewish--"Blewish," as she called it. She was often made fun of for the fact that she talked nonstop (much like myself) and she never made any sense (much like myself).

The moment I laid eyes (and ears) on her, Jael Strauss found a place in my heart. I loved her and lived through her on that show. And I still love her. Forever. Jael was me if I were to ever make it on ANTM, which has been a dream of mine. Jael and her bargain-basement pill-popping femalia are so beautiful.

I loved when Tyra would try to tell her how to talk. "She just wasn't Top Model material. Models need to know how to present themselves in a positive way and they need to know how to speak."

Jael, I know how you feel. People often don't understand what the hell I'm saying or what I'm talking about. Tranquilizers are my best friends, and I want Jael to be as well. She is a true role model to every American girl. And Jael has EVERYTHING it takes to be THE TOP MODEL IN THE WORLD.

Back to this dismal day. April 18, 2007. THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. APRIL 18TH. I HAVE BEEN BEATEN, TORTURED, RAPED, INTERROGATED PHYSICALLY, IMPRISONED, KIDNAPPED, TRAFFICKED, GANGBANGED WHEN I WAS THREE YEARS OLD, BUT NONE OF THIS, NONE OF IT, COMPARES TO THE HORROR OF APRIL 18TH.

Sanjaya had been in the bottom three on Idol for the last many weeks, and it was always nerve-racking to watch the results show. My mind kept going back to the fat ass who stopped eating until Sanjaya got cut, and more than anything I wanted him to be the next American Idol, because he was so goddamned sexy and untalented. But I also wanted that fat girl to die. What a bitch!

So it was promising, because he kept rising from the bottom. But on that dismal day, beautiful Sanjaya was cut. He would be on Idol NO more. It was terrible. I broke a mirror and sliced my arms with the glass and carved "SANJAYA" in my chest. Unfortunately I spelled it wrong, and now the space just above my titlets reads: "SANJIAH." It's a mess. What a horrible day.

That same night ANTM was to air, but there was a sports game on that day so instead of airing at 7 pm, I thought that it would be airing a different day. When I caught that it would be aired that night at 10:30 pm I cleaned up the blood and tried to put what self-respect I had back together and toughed it through Top Model.

The models went to Australia, and they had to film a commercial in an Aussie accent. And since Jael has trouble speaking regular English since she always sounds bombed out on tranquilizers, this task proved impossible. She, like Sanjaya, had been in the bottom two the week before. This week when I saw she was in the bottom two again, I knew her fate. I started crying. Sobbing. Wailing.

This time I broke the television and carved "JAEL STRAUSS" under Sanjaya's name. The reason she got cut was that she could not talk correctly. I could kill Tyra and her stupid no-name judges. That fucking black who-knows-what Miss J. who hated her from the start. But Jael left in typical Jael fashion. She put on her red tutu, a blue wig, and pranced down the hallway explaining that she was going to spread her love as much as she can around the world. Her love has definitely reached me, and I wish she would start a cult, because I would follow her every move.

Jael and Sanjaya. Two perfect spirits who will be thrown in the dumpster along with the hundreds of other reality stars. But these two were special. And booted off their shows on the same night.

I didn't leave the house or eat for four days. I tried to stick it out for longer, but Church's Chicken had a special and I couldn't resist.

I love you Jael and Sanjaya. You changed lives. This day will forever remain in my memory as one of the unluckiest days that ever existed. It is terrible that one of them had to go, but both of them??? On the same day????? What is this world coming to???

Then you hear about that guy shooting up the school and shit. It’s because of shit like this that school shootings happen. That elimination almost made me want to go on a murdering spree. It was a sad day in history. April 18, 2007. I would like everyone to observe a moment of silence for these two fallen stars.

R.I.P. JAEL STRAUSS
R.I.P. SANJAYA MALAKAR