Live Fast...Die Old

I have just come to a terrible realization about the whole way I’ve been living my life up until now. It occurred to me the other day that I have always entertained the old punk rock adage of "live fast, die young." I recently realized, with the help of a newly found friend, that one of the major flaws of the "live fast, die young" philosophy is that if by some reason you manage miraculously escaping every countless imminent total chaos disaster and become old, you're fucked because all of your real friends who can even fathom anything has taken place are all either literally dead, or dead in some figurative way or another. All my life, I’ve been living fast, way too fast, like super-dynamite, flaming-whore, warp-speed fast. And I am now pushing 27.

I think someone "up there" seems to have forgotten about me... and herein lies the problem. I am getting too fucking old. Where are you, angel of death??? What the hell happens now??? Hello!!! WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS SHIT!!!!!???? I AM DONE BEING YOUNG AND LIVING FAST.... IT IS TIME FOR ME TO DIE!!!!

I'm 26 now. I'm starting to lose teeth. The weight that used to fall off of me after I shit it out is starting to stick. I'm pushing close to 10 pounds under the weight that I'm supposed to be. I'm fast losing that heroin chic look that I have cherished since far before I even touched the drug and all of the pediatricians thought I was being abused because I looked like an albino Ethiopian child.

I always just did things. I never thought about them. If a terrible situation presented itself to me, I dove in and gave it everything I could and never gave it a second thought or tried to hide the blood, stink, spew and discharge. I lived my life. I lived 30 people's lives, and now I'm almost 27 and I'm fucking TIRED. I'm too old to die!! What do I have to look forward to? Post-sag, pre-menopausal spider veins and thinning hair and thick clown make up and wrinkle cream that will seep so deep into my craters and divots that my crow's feet will have turned into full personalities of their own. I can't be remembered like that!!! Jesus Christ, a girl has to have some pride.

Now I am forced to do something that I have never thought I'd be alive or coherent enough to do: Reflect on this terrible god forsaken stinking flaming roller coaster of a "short" life I have had. I have always done what I had to do merely to survive. I must remember that, or I will go crazy.

You should have had an abortion
You should have been an abortion.
You should have a few more brain cells.
You should have been born male.
You should have had your legs fused shut.
You should have run away.
You should have thought a little harder.
You shouldn't talk like that.
You shouldn't think those things.
You wanna make some money?

STOP!!!!

In retrospect, I should have planned my life out better. I should have had a "Plan B." But it just sounded so fucking easy... "live fast, die young." That was supposed to be it. There's no "live fast, and get real fucking old real quick so that when you're about 30 you belong in a nursing home but you are forced to walk the earth for the next 50 years only getting fatter and uglier and more alone." Adult Diapers, wheelchairs, hospitals, the stench of the elderly... I can't take it. I could NEVER deal with getting old. These first few small signs are absolutely unbearable.

I could always go at this pesky "life" problem I’m having rockstar style and take a drug overdose or die by my own hand, but I'm always afraid of the suicide attempt gone wrong, which will almost certainly happen. I am afraid I will try, and fail, and be forced to live my life out on this earthly hell in a wheelchair, my head held up by one of those braces with screws in it, shitting into a bag and depending on some fat, underpaid pervert to empty it out. Instead, I'll have to sit and brew in my anger for the next 80 years, and not even be able to talk to express it. NO THANK YOU.

Yup, I'm perpetually scared of failing at a suicide attempt, and the way my life goes, it seems like that would be the only thing that would happen. If I can't succeed at living, how the hell am I supposed to succeed at dying? And it's not supposed to be suicide. It's not "live fast and kill yourself before you get too old and gross"; I'm just supposed to die.

When will it all end? What happens to people who don't die? I guess they get old. And they live out their life like too many people I know, old and alone. EEECH that's fucking scary. I don't want to think about it. Hopefully the grim reaper will snatch me up before I even have to entertain the idea of dieting, wrinkle cream, botox, pee pads, irritable bowel syndrome, hair removal, liposuction, face lifts, OH GOD the list goes on and on, but I have to force myself to stop listing things before I hurl. Getting old fucking sucks. It's so gross. Fuck being old and wise. I like being young and fucking stupid, and I don't want it to change. I don't want to know a bunch of information and sit around in my own stink while parts of my body fall off into my coffee cup and my fat body takes the shape of the chair I am trying to squeeze it into. How Terrible! Retirement plans and 401 K's and menopause and Alzheimer’s and mowing the lawn and pissing myself and eyeglasses and depending on foul young idiots to change my diaper and turn me every five hours to prevent big, disgusting, gaping bedsores that the orderlies stick their foul dicks in when they’re mistaken for my old vagina when they're trying to rape me in the nursing home. Elder abuse. YUCK. DR. PULL THE PLUG PLEASE! AND FAST!!!

Someone needs to make an amendment to that punk rock adage. There should be a sidebar. For example it would be "Live Fast, Die Young*" and then the * will mean "If you don't, in fact die young, WE, the folks who are responsible for this philosophy, will provide you with a magic pill that is full proof... no getting old for anyone." That's what needs to happen. I think there needs to be a convention, a gathering of all of the people who live by this little saying, and we all need to connect and make the plan 100% full proof-guaranteed or your money back: "If you live fast, you WILL die young," and this horrible situation that I am going through – and I know that many before me and after me will experience – will not happen anymore. It's so irresponsible. Whoever made that up really fucked up my life. It's not fair. I will be the first one to propose it, especially now that I’m currently knocking on the door of the magic age – the age that Kurt Cobain, Jimmy Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and all the importants seemed to die at. (Not the die hard punks like Darby or Sid – they died earlier… lucky bastards).

My mind and body can’t seem to take the living fast part as well as they used to – probably because (and this is popular opinion as well) I SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW. But I'm one of the "lucky ones." Instead I get to complain myself into menopause, into botox, into the fucking grave. I'll go down fighting. I have to accept this.

For all of you young punks out there who are "living fast" and expecting to die young, please take this to heart. You don't always die young. And then if you don't, you have to walk the earth (sort of like Lazarus), your brain and body being horribly ravaged by your lifestyle, and having seen and lived probably 30 to 40 regular people's lives, you’re suddenly forced to slow down not because you want to, but because you simply can't go anymore. Your battery is dead. But you are still alive. Please think of this. I don't know the solution. I wish I did. I wish I could make this into a public service announcement. But heed my words young punks... you may not die. Remember that.

DOCTOR, SERIOUSLY, IT'S TIME TO PULL THE PLUG!!!