Tampon Dave

Here is another curious story of a weird-ass yokel who came into the sluthouse where I work. First, I must ruin some type of illusion. I really wish that it was CONSTANTLY a barrage every minute of every shift of each of these fellows, but for the most part there is a lot of time where I try to hide and sleep. Then someone finds me and tells me to do something, and I do it. Don’t get me wrong—I meet one of these extremely bizarre lovely fools almost every shift, but unfortunately there is usually only one or two. This will increase soon if I do keep this job and they put me on the website, and then weirdos from all over can call and pay unheard-of amounts of money to get barely an hour of my precious time. And they will, and I will get many more bizarro wastoid fat plugs cumming all over their bloated stomachs for me. But here is this week’s highlight.

OCTOBER XXX, 2007, SESSION 1 OF THE DAY.

TAMPON DAVE.

This cute little monster was already in with one of the other girls. I was to come into the session merely to take Polaroids. I walk into my manager’s office, and she over-excitedly asks me, “Are you on your period?” I say no. And all her perkiness leaves her. I am already getting excited about who the fuck I was going to get to see this time. Turns out, if I did, I could have sold this gem of a fat lovely man my used tampon for a cool $200. Imagine how much money all these girls are wasting just menstruating and fucking throwing their tampons in the garbage (or in the toilet like I do, only in other people’s houses) when there are men like Tampon Dave who will pay good, hard-earned cash for them. The man is a tampon collector. I already love him. I think it was the first time I really wanted to be on my period in my life. As a side note, some of you may or may not know that I lived with a man who stole my tampons, but it was more in a stalker-psycho sort of way. And it was very much the fact that they were MINE. Tampon Dave collects many ladies’ tampons, and don’t ask me why the hell he does it. But I think it’s great.

The Manager (I call her manager, OK? She is the Head Mistress, but I just hate all this Mistress talk) then starts to give me a summary of the gentleman I am about to see. It is short. She tells me to lie to him and act as if I am way younger. She just tells me that he is very obsessed with describing the inner workings of the cock as well as the vagina. I honestly thought this was some bizarre exaggeration and sort of put it in the back of my head, right up until I knocked on the door and barely introduced myself while his cheeks get really rosy and he excitedly grabs the diagram of the penis pump he is currently wearing and starts to explain EVERYTHING to me.

I, of course, am interested, but I act as if I have never seen a penis before. I just try to go with this one and get as much info as possible. I ask him, “Does that thing make it longer or what?” He gets excited and says it makes it hard and then starts to divulge all sorts of info about the cock. He points everything out on his little diagram, like where the urethra is and where the head of the penis is. He explains why sucking on it is called “giving head”—because you’re sucking on the head of the penis. I always thought it was because you were using your head. But I have no fucking idea. I just act like he knows everything. And I do not hesitate to continue to ask, as I would love to listen to this man talk about the functions of the cock all day long. As he talks, though, I start to get the impression that not all of his information is completely correct. In fact I am sure of it. This makes the situation more hilarious, and I continue to ask him questions and listen to his outlandish answers.

I notice that he has several bags and one is filled with pharmaceutical bottles. I’m thinking, I wonder what kind of wonderful anti-psychotics or narcotics are in there, but then he reveals what the little bottles contain. He pulls one out and proudly tells me, “This is two milkings’ worth.” Milking is a really weird, gross way of saying jacking someone off. It is the term that our place uses. I really like it because it likens the man to a cow and his penis to an udder. I ask if that’s a lot. He says it is. Each of these containers is filled with a different amount of jizz. I really, really want to swipe one and put it into a turkey baster and play a real mean trick on one of my passed-out girlfriends and have them give birth to a litter of baby Tampon Daves. It gets better from here.

He pulls another instrument out of the bag. This is one of those things that when I used to go to the doctor and get physicals, they’d stick in my ear to look for infections. It has like a magnifying glass on one end and a really little hole on the other. He instructs me to stick this into his penis hole and ask me what I see. I am sooo excited. What the fuck is this man thinking?!?!? I guess I could see why this could turn someone on. Only because it’s fucking awesome. He keeps asking me if I see any foam. I really can’t see shit except a big blur of pink. Dammit, Tampon Dave, I’m a fucking fetish whore, not a doctor. A coworker looks in and shoots me this look like, “What the fuck are you supposed to be seeing?” and I sort of shrug my shoulders. Then she says, “Oh yeah, there it is, can you see it?” and suddenly I am able to see whatever the fuck he’s talking about or making up. I would say I saw the Virgin Mary herself inside his dickhole if he was paying the right price. This guy must be nuts, allowing these strange girls to wield important medical equipment in his most sensitive of his parts. What the fuck is he thinking? Anyway, it makes me happy.

As I said in the beginning, I am only here to take Polaroids, but this guy is totally getting off on a new friend to listen to him go on and on about the cock. They even have to tell me to leave the room because I am giving him too much for his money. I take some photos. He gets five. I take three. The first three are boring photos of the girl folding his fat stomach up to reveal his semi hard-on. Wonderful. I went to four years of college for this!!!! But honestly, I don’t think there would be a single subject I’d rather be photographing. And I’m learning so much false weird information about a man’s penis. It’s almost like taking a biology class in an insane asylum. Since I’m socializing waaay too much and there is a “special act” that needs to be done before the two other photos are taken, I, sadly, must leave for a few minutes to dwell on the amazing wonderful scene I have just witnessed. Before I leave, Dave instructs me to find an envelope in his bag. He explains it that this is JUST FOR ME, and that it is extremely important that I receive it. I am hoping it is cash, but I cannot find it. He seems upset, but I explain that I will be back very soon to take the remaining two photos.

I am wondering what this “special act” is for about two minutes when the girl runs out and asks me frantically for some type of Saran Wrap to use as a dental dam. “OH GOD NO GROOOSSSSS!!!!” is all I can think. But I get it for her. I mean, if he is this weird quack who knows all about the cock and apparently the vadge as well, maybe he can munch a mound pretty well. But God, I don’t know if I want to find out...ever.

I am hearing my coworker in there with Tampon Dave, and she is moaning and her moaning becomes a scream, and she seems to be going just nuts, and then it slows down. While this is going on, another girl, Miss Monique, walks up the stairs and tells me she’s going to go for a tampon sale. She knocks on the door and is in there for about five minutes. She comes out carrying one of the precious prescription bottles full of Tampon Dave’s seed. She looks upset. “He wouldn’t fucking buy my tampon,” she explains. “The cocksucker tried to offer me this fucking thing of his semen instead. I told him if he won’t take my tampon, I don’t want his fucking semen.” Then she slams the little bottle down on the counter and stomps down the stairs. I start laughing so hard. I am thinking, when in the hell in the world would you ever hear that statement again—“If he won’t take my tampon, I don’t want his fucking semen”? Of course she wanted money, not semen. But God, what a great thing to happen.

At this point, I think it might be OK for me to reenter the room to take the remaining two photos. I look at the other photos, and they look so amazing. He has one of those extremely old Polaroid cameras, and the photos look like they’re from the seventies. This time, he starts to tell me how after a man cums, there is still a bunch of semen left in some reservoir or something, and he keeps pushing more and more drops of semen out of his penis. Then he does something really gross. He takes out his big stained briefs and shoves them really close to my face, and he says, “You see this?”

I assuming he means the huge yellow stain on the front. I say yes. He says, “That’s when you can tell that your boyfriend has been cheating on you, if he has a yellow stain on his underwear like this. This is from the semen that probably dripped out of his penis after he was fucking another girl.” My coworker finally challenges him, inquiring, “What if he was just jacking off and that happened?” She seemed to upset Tampon Dave with this rebuttal. He says, defeated, “Yeah, I guess you could find out if he’s jacking it without you as well.” I can’t believe she challenged him!!! She’s got fucking balls.

I take the two more photos. They’re gross. One of her sitting on his face. Another one of him looking fat and even more gross because he’s standing next to this girl like a quarter his age. But of course this is what he likes. I tell Tampon Dave that he must be real good at oral sex since I heard my coworker moaning and screaming from the other room. He says, very arrogantly, “I know the vagina very well.” She, of course, agrees. I wonder if he does. I still don’t want to find out. I finally, sadly, say my goodbyes to Tampon Dave. I have so much more to talk to him about. But, fortunately, that is not the end of him for me. Even for that day.

About an hour later, as I am still reflecting on the day’s events, I receive the envelope that Tampon Dave was looking for in his bag. I am honestly, like I said, hoping it was a large sum of money, but it was something almost as great. It is a really faded photo of his very fat baby potbelly and him holding his hard cock. I was very happy to receive it. I hung it on my wall. He is a regular, so I will be seeing him again. But I can see him whenever I want now that I have this photo. I think I’m going to collect all of my tampons for the next couple of months and string them up like garland and give them to him right before Christmas to string around the Christmas tree. He should love that.