World Record Trampling Jim

I have never been in love with so many men in my life. I am honestly and truly in love with each man that I write about here. Every day, I come into contact with the most deluded, deranged, wonderful men and transsexuals in the greater Chicago area. It’s fucking great. Today’s gem is all about a man whose title alone describes a genius. He is referred to as World Record Trampling Jim. Now, what does this all mean? It is confusing, I know. I will break it down for you. Jim is trying to break the world record for trampling.

Hmm...that didn’t explain much.

OK, so trampling is when a bunch of girls step on you. I have done some research on this, but it’s hard to track trampling in particular, because there have been accounts of men who have actually had full semi trucks run over them and have emerged intact. I honestly don’t know the world record for weight on different parts of the body, but obviously Jim wants it throughout his body. It is actually easier to have more weight in all places - because then your body feels even - instead of having some 600-pound heifer standing on your stomach. You would want seven 600-pound heifers standing equidistant from each other so it was more even. It’s like that whole bed-of-nails theory. I have a friend who participates in one of those gay modern freak shows that actually have no freaks or tards in them (well, I’d argue that some of the people that worked for them were total tards, but not in the medical sense), and you know they have dudes who hang bricks from their nipples and shit. Well, one very popular TRICK is the bed of nails, which any jagoff can do. As long as the nails are placed a half-inch from each other, your body weight is distributed equally, and although it is not as comfortable as say, a Sleep Number Bed, a bed of nails is not quite the AWE-inducing apparatus it tries to be.

Now, I am quite pissed about this session with this fat-ass Jim and his WORLD RECORD TRAMPLING BULLSHIT. Mostly because I made NO money stepping on him. Plus, I had to do a weigh-in and actually learned my weight. Ladies and gentlemen, OK, in the past year I have gained about 15-20 pounds, which I guess is not much, and I am far from superficial, but shit, I’m used to people thinking, and usually being right, about me being on hard drugs, but since I quit the hard drugs, I gained some weight. You know, there’s always shit with the benefits.

So I walk into this room with three of my colleagues in their highest of high heels and this fat-assed buffoon, and there is, of course, a weigh-in. I SWEAR TO GOD...I NEVER want to be one of those women who say they weigh less than they do. Even though I KNOW that most ladies do it, I think it’s annoying and far too predictable. So I go in there, thinking and saying I weigh 130, and it turns out the scale says I weigh 140.

But in this session, I am expected to say I weigh MORE than I actually weigh. I mean, I was TOLD that this man wanted to honestly break the world record for trampling, and I took it with a grain of salt and a fucking laugh, like I do everything here. But as I have learned from working here, even the most ridiculous-sounding stuff is actually totally serious to certain insane gentlemen, so I UNDERESTIMATED my weight. I had the weigh-in process all backwards. I am pissed cuz I’m thinking I am fat, and WORLD RECORD TRAMPLING JIM is disappointed because I guessed low instead of high.

At this point, I want to grab this man by the head and scream in his face, “HEY ASSHOLE, HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS?!??!?!? FIRST OF ALL, THEY CERTAINLY DON’T TRACK TRAMPLING, SINCE IT’S PERVERSE. SECOND, THERE ARE MEN WHO CAN TAKE THOUSANDS OF POUNDS ON THEIR CHESTS, AND I HARDLY THINK THESE THREE GIRLS EVEN WEIGH CLOSE TO 500 AT THE MOST...GET A FUCKING CLUE!!!!”

Now, I never would have had this urge had he not dismissed me and told me that I did not weigh enough for his session, but he pissed me off. Another nut in the insane asylum. Another person to be obsessed with. And who dismissed me.

I am starting to get this weird jealousy thing, where I care nothing about any of these men/trannie/men/tranniewomen, but I am insulted as fuck when they do NOT want me. I feel like beating them, seriously. That, I guess, is how they make dominatrices out of these girls. They get them sooo pissed off at men and the outside world that they just want to beat the living shit out of everyone.

I’ll never be one of THOSE, though...although I’m obsessing over latex cat suits and rubber and lace and everything, I will never be referred as a DOMINATRIX, or a DOMINA, or whatever. I prefer HIGH-CLASS HOOKER or DOWNTRODDEN WHORE. “Downtrodden Whore” is probably the most accurate, but I don’t actually have sexual intercourse or a pimp, but I’m pretty much a ho, and I’m downtrodden as hell. But shit, I can’t deny the fact that I look good, at least at my job. Outside of my job, I resemble the offspring of Shakes the Clown and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oh, and as an appendix to the story where I threw out my shoulder beating the shit out of one of the slave’s asses: He came back the following week, and I was able to have an AMAZING “session” with him, cuz I literally could not stop hitting his fucking ass. I was yelling, “You stupid little reprobate, you made me dislocate my fucking shoulder, and now you’re going to pay.” Totally gross...cuz I hate domination. But I was still pissed about him making me hurt my arm, which was mostly my fault from getting so into beating his fat red ass and making it redder.

To wrap this whole nonsense up, I was rejected by a man—one who is so deluded that he actually thinks the highly esteemed GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS publishes an article on how many women a man can have step on him. Part of the whole reason I was so fucking angry he rejected me was because I wanted to ask him if he actually believed this World Trampling Record even existed. I’m sure I would have gotten in worlds of trouble for introducing even an inkling of the real world into Fetish Fantasyland, but then again the man is totally entitled to his fantasy, AS LONG AS I GET PAID. And I didn’t, so fuck him. I hope we get some girl in there who weighs nine hundred pounds and they knock down a wall to get her to him and feed her a whole pig, and she stands on his ribs and smashes him to death. So much for the World Record, dickface. Honestly, where the fuck do they find these people?

OK, first of all...if you want to break a world record, you call Guinness, and I doubt Guinness knows shit about fetish. Actually, I KNOW that Guinness does not know shit about fetish. Or maybe they do, but they certainly don’t address it. Which is fine. Fetish is gay. Guinness is funny. But this man wants to mix the two. Which would rule. It’s his fantasy. That’s great. But as I said, I am angry still for him not paying. But wouldn’t it be great?

If anyone can research the world record for trampling, it would be so amusing to challenge this douche to try and top it. I will continue to make up arbitrary numbers, but if I could get an actual number, it would be great. Unless it was low. Then maybe he could do it...who knows?