Things That Have Been Up My Ass

“Things that have been up my ass.”

The phrase itself makes me uneasy.

I am not an ass girl, and have never really been.

Well, there was one phase of about six months when I was reading a ton of Marquis de Sade and like-minded libertine literature and they kept talking about how great ass sex was, and I admit I was totally drawn to it. And then I tried it. And it felt just like taking a big shit to me.

So I waited about three years and again got that stupid urge to put someone’s penis in my ass, and it felt exactly the same--like taking a shit that was too massive for me to handle. I figured you had to maybe get your asshole stretched out and do it a couple of times before it was enjoyable, but I do not enjoy pain in my anus. I have a hard enough time shitting (which you’ll hear about soon). So I just could not bear to ever have anal sex again, and I realized that my asshole was “exit only” (I can’t believe I just said that).

Thus a story regarding “things that have been up my ass” seemed to hold no promise. But then I said to myself, Lil Princess, think of all those times you couldn’t shit and you had to shove all that stuff up your ass to make you shit, the time that you went along and let someone shove a string of beads up your ass...oh and of course the drugs that have been up your ass, so many times.

I realized that a lot of things have been up there. I just had to stop focusing on the erotic and get to the down and dirty. So here is my list of things that have been up my ass.

Suppositories

Constipation is my life. I’ve sought relief in suppository form. It was no type of exciting suppository, but it was just one with some stimulant in it that makes you shit as soon as you slide the little lubed peanut up your ass. The trouble is keeping it up there. I know my sphincter is tight, but I was so afraid it would slide out. It did the first time, but then I got the hang of it.

Once it works, your ass pretty much like starts going crazy and convulsing until shit comes out. If (and pray this never happens to you) it actually falls out before it effects you too much, some of the medicine remains on it and it burns so bad, and then it starts itching, and you can’t get it off without a full shower. It’s horrible. But even if you do it all proper and leave it up there, and then shit, some medicine still sticks to your sphincter and innards and let me tell you . . . it sucks!!

Enemas

It’s pretty self-explanatory why someone would use such a device. Although some do irrigate themselves for pleasure, I don’t like ass-play. So I did use it for some serious constipation, like when those little suppositories would fall out or just not work.

The enema is the granddaddy of all laxatives or anything that exists to make you shit. It’s such a simple idea: a big jar with some salt water in it attached to a tube that goes up your ass. I don’t even like to think about this one, but, yes, I have tried it, a couple of times, and when you use it, you can’t expect anything gentle. You must brace for an EXPLOSION, and it is so unpleasant. To me. Other folks just love enemas so much they will do them all the time.

I have done so much to help me get back on track with my bowels, and this one definitely works, but it is by far the most violent. As far as what goes up your ass, it’s a little tube, so it is barely bothersome, but when the water comes is the terrible part.

Fingers

Whether they have been my own digits, or someone else’s for whatever reason (medical, presumed pleasure, or to pull gobs of shit out of my anus) fingers have been up my ass.

For many reasons, mostly listed above. I never mind when it’s in a medical setting because it is so clean and dry, and for some reason I can NEVER feel their fingers. But in any other situation it’s not good. Again, to me.

Penises

The Marquis De Sade--who at one juncture was my biggest crush--rails on an awful lot about anal sex, so I figured it had to be the best thing around. Once I gave it a crack, I felt like I was taking the hugest dump of my life. And the second time, since the penis was much smaller, it felt like I was taking the second hugest dump of my life.

I think the secret to all of this is trying over and over, but I am not about to jeopardize my ass like that and go through all that pain. I would, however, like to perform anal sex on someone else, but I do not have the right parts for that. But, for me, no more sexy ass stuff.

Anal beads

Please understand that these sex toys were not used in any sexy sort of way. I was taking pictures with three people, and one of them had these beads, and I did not know what the hell they were, or what they were used for. But they were red and latex and looked nice.

So I asked the host and he replied, “They’re anal beads; would you like to try them?”

I could not believe that people put that many beads up their asses, because they were like a foot long. And they started out small and got to one massive bead in the middle and then went back to being small.

But I was curious so I said yeah and then I put tons of lube on them, and I put them in and I was amazed how far they went in, after I pulled them out. I thought with that many beads up your ass and you would rupture an intestine or something. But I walked away unharmed. And not aroused.

Drugs

There are two distinct ways that drugs have played a part in my anal cavity.

One is what most people would assume, you buy drugs, you don’t want the cops to find out about your little secret in case they pull you over. So you shove them up your ass in some kind of cigarette cellophane or something because otherwise you could be in great trouble. And also when doing this be sure not to put them up too far, because then you lose them or you have to fork through your shit to find them. That has never happened to me.

I have not had drugs up my ass too many times. That’s more of a masculine job, so I try to never have to do it, but there have been exceptions. This does not really hurt that much, I think, only because you know that your drugs are safe and warm in your anus.

The other entry for drugs into my rectum is referred to as “stuffing”. It is supposed to carry close to the same high as actually shooting the drug into a vein, but without any of the hassles that come with it. I tried it once, just to see how it went. You have to have the drug in liquid form and then stand on your head and put the drug in a syringe without a needle on it and shove it up your ass. Then you stay on your head, hopefully propped against a wall, until it gets completely in and does not leak out. I have read that the ideal time is thirty minutes, but that seems ludicrous to me. So lots of mine leaked out, plus it burned my ass. I really don’t recommend this, but I do think it is interesting that drugs have found their way up my ass not one but two times.