Weird World

I don't know why I have gotten as far as I have in life but it's happened. I don't like anyone. I try not to talk to them. I never ever try. My mother seems to think I'm wasting my life. I do too sometimes, but not really. I feel like I have gotten a lot farther than the average John Q. Public, drooling at the television. Although I can't miss my Dr. Phil, and I have nothing against television.

I mean, I have this boyfriend who I guess is nice to me, and I play mother to him. Don't fucking ask me how that ever happened. And I have these fucking weirdos that latch on to me because I talk to them. People are sick. I have a Furby, and I swear to god, that thing tells me far more intelligible things in the period of twenty minutes than most people do in their lifetimes. Why don't they leave me alone?

The other day this stoned-ass bitch came into my car and told me she had this lung problem. I started to feel sorry for her, but then I started realizing that she has nothing. She's about fifty-five. She is totally old enough to get a medical card, plus she has emphysema and can't work so should be on social security, but she's not. Why? No one knows.

Her only solution to the problem is selling her body, but now nobody's buying, because she's so decrepit and old. I just don't understand how you get to that point. I know there is a bottom. How does this happen?

And I hear this shit over and over. And it starts to sound like Charlie Brown's fucking teacher. I am more than sympathetic. But I just don't get it. I wish more people were like Furby.

Babies are stupid but I swear some grown people are worse than babies. My roommate gets drunk and talks at me for hours about the same nonsense. Why can't people like this just come equipped with some pouch on their back that contains a gun that I could use to shoot myself after they have been talking for too long? Sometimes a human being can only take so much.

I would need a gun too. I would never be a pussy and use pills or some other shit that can go wrong and leave you a drooling retard. I'd have to make sure I would be dead.

I saw this commercial once. It made me laugh so hard. Maybe others of you have seen it. It's for life insurance that will help you pay for your funeral after you are dead. It talks about how much funerals cost, about six thousand dollars, and how much social security pitches in, about six hundred dollars, so that your family is left with the burden of putting your body in the fucking ground. Jesus Christ!

I saw that and I simultaneously shit my pants laughing and crying. There are people at home, old people, watching this actually thinking, I don't want to be a burden when I die so I should get this. I mean they're fucking dead. Wouldn't anyone feel bad for them? Unless they're real assholes and then they wouldn't care about the burden that they left anyway.

This conundrum really makes no sense to me. But I still love the commercial and the fact that this insurance actually exists. What a world we live in.

The other day I was driving, and I saw this billboard that almost made me get into six accidents. It was black with white letters and it said "6-6-06 THE SIGNS ARE ALL AROUND US" except the dashes between the 6's were all upside-down crosses.

I panicked: Where? Where are the signs? The currency exchange across the street? The Christian school on the other corner? The KF-fucking-C? Where are the goddamned signs?

They should put that sign in the ghetto. You could scare some dumb whitey into thinking the world is going to shit, if they perhaps got lost or something.

The ghettos have had the best signs popping up, in general. At first, they were only on busses that went down into black neighborhoods, but they have now placed them in the neighborhoods themselves. They read: "I see black people". Brilliant.

This is such a ridiculously funny town. Everything seems so backwards. Two days ago, in fact, I actually saw this old guy jogging backwards. I wondered if he knew what he was doing. But it made sense somehow. I think just about anything would make sense to me now.

The whole world has just gone so wacky, and all this shit with all these last comings and everything and the fact that I've been dating this weird Hebrew for a long time now. It spans from general life close into my personal life. I can't really say good or bad things happen anymore . . . Fucking weird things happen. That's all.

As a side note, after having sex my boyfriend has fallen asleep with a condom on at least the past three times. Is this normal? I don't think it is. He always blames me for it too. He wakes up, sees the condom on his dick, and yells at me about it. It is really gross. In all of the eight years I have been having sex that has never happened. Or if it has, no one told me. It makes me sick.

And there's one more reason that my world is so backwards. My mother has turned from her old days as basically a drug addict sex maniac into a hardworking woman staunchly against drugs and bizarre sex.

I was telling her about my articles here the other day and explaining to her about how I only have one VD now. My mom is the QUEEN of VDs. She has had all of them and her boyfriend currently has herpes, which she has as well.

So I told my mom that I have genital warts and she started laughing. Then she got all casual, like she was talking to a girlfriend thirty years ago, and she said to me, "Heh-heh, I remember when I had genital warts, they put me out and burned them off with a laser. And when I was wakin' up, I was still all fucked up from the anesthesia and I asked the doctor 'Did ya get those warts off my ass?'"

I still was really happy she told me that. That's why I love my mother. It's those little moments when she suddenly falls back into her old self when I knew she was super trashy and all fucked up where I see who she was and it makes me glad she pushed me out of her vadge all those years ago.

Yeah, I know things are all over here, but that's just how I'm feeling. Nothing seems to make sense. I'm happy about it. But I just don't know what to think anymore. I think I've been watching too much History Channel. I occasionally fall asleep with that shit on and when I wake up, I have all these conspiracy theories engrained in my head. But today it was so boring. They had a two-hour special on about salt. I mean how much can anybody talk about salt?

Everyone should be shot, or like the opposite. Maybe there ought to be a big ticker-tape party thrown in everyone's honor for making the world such a terribly bizarre place.

Assholes always bellyache about how it's so terrible that more people vote for American Idol than for the president. I really never thought that was that weird. Well first of all because it's way fucking easier to vote for American Idol. Secondly, it's more fun. Presidents suck.

And I never really get what I want, and I realize I should have just sat at home and watched American Idol instead of leaving the house to vote. Although after Carrie Underwood won last season, I got mad. She's gross, and people are just hoping that she'll have a nip-slip. That's the only reason Bo Bice didn't win.