There Is No Lil Prince

I have been dating this same Jewish douchebag for quite some time now. Call him Schlobo.

Schlobo, I thought, would be a one-night stand, but he immediately declared me his girlfriend, and I figured it was perhaps a good way to maybe be monogamous for awhile (even though I hate monogamy), because my amount of sexual partners was seriously getting out of control, and they were also getting to be more and more like human primates, and I was wondering what the fuck I was doing.

Alas, this has gone on so long that I think it’s too late to stop it. I'm just too lazy.

Music-impresario Schlobo is presently attempting to take songs that I write and perform and put them on tapes to sell to the public. He's making 150 tapes; I get eight. This is sick. Then he asks me for money all the time.

Last week, Schlobo threatened that if I did not go see him play with his gay toys at a show, he would deny me sex for a week. I could not stop laughing. He needs to stay away from me. What a diseased parasite now. Schlobo is just a terrible, degenerate plug who is no different than the Neanderthal dicks that I used to be pounded with each week after leaving a slimy bar.

But how do I get out? I'm not good at saying no, and I am certainly not good at breaking things off. Imagine some dill-hole denying me sex. YUCK. YUCK! It makes me puke to think about it.

I have never been one to care what others think but I am constantly barraged with questions as to why I am with this monkey, and I explain that I don't know how to end this shit.

Schlobo wears Old Spice deodorant, and whenever he comes over he leaves this manly scent on my bed and I feel like I'm going to fucking hurl everywhere every time my head touches some part of the bed where the man scent has touched. And he falls asleep with his condoms on. I know I have mentioned this in a previous column. I am not used to this. I don't think I've ever had any guy do this. But not only does he fall asleep with them on, which is so fucking foul, in the morning he starts bitching and whines, "EEEW OH MY GOD WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT I STILL HAD MY CONDOM ON??? I CAN'T BELIEVE I SLEPT WITH IT ON...AGAIN." As if I am supposed to check his dick for a condom?

It’s disgusting is what it is, and he's slowly putting me into some kind of mommy role because he has no job and no money and moved out of his parents’ house at age 30 and blames me for that.

Still, all Schlobo does is sit in his house and smoke pot and play Chef's Love Shack on the Nintendo 64 and watch his nine South Park seasons on tape, and like usually I'd think this was funny in itself, but it's not. It has lost its charm. Forever.

The worst thing is that Schlobo expects me to be a lady. He expects my shit not to smell. I mean, Jesus Christ, the high point of our relationship was when his retarded friend tried to rape me. I wish I could physically beat him. He is terrible. He talks to me about having kids and raising them. He has no clue.

I have developed a crush on someone else, though. This man is very strange, so strange that I suspect that he might be responsible for many people that are missing today. I think he is hiding them somewhere. He has an outdoor sale every weekend, I will not say where as to not reveal where he is, but he puts a huge sign out that says in big letters WEIRD SALE, and he hits the nail right on the head with that one. I don't think I've ever been to a weirder fucking sale. This guy sells used speculums. He sells 8 mm porn, some of it I suspect can be illegal even.

I don't know if it's a crush that I have on the Weird Salesman. It's more of some insane fascination. He is quiet. The first week he sold me one of the most awesome items I own. It is a slide projector that also has a TV screen that you can project the slides on. It really rules. But it was so hard to get him to talk to me at first.

I try to visit the Weird Salesman every weekend. I always wanted to know what he would say about the speculums he sells, because they were sort of hidden beneath all his crazy junk (oh, if you don't know what a speculum is, it’s one of those medical tools that they use to open a woman's vagina up. It sort of looks like a torture device or a duck), but I never wanted to ask him.

My roommate went up to him with two speculums and started making them talk to each other and asked the man how much they were, he seemed very angry/embarrassed and said five dollars. It was so cute.

What kind of man sells speculums and porn on the corner? He also peddles pictures of the Pope and broken figures of Baby Jesus. My roommate picked the Baby Jesus up and was holding it upside down, and the guy yelled at him and told him to hold the Baby Jesus like he would a baby. This guy is serial-killer material for sure.

I thought the Weird Salesman might be too weird for me even, but our weekly encounters have gotten more and more intimate. First, he helped me carry stuff to my car. Second, he gave me a free slide bulb and then changed it for me. The next week he gave me all this stuff for real cheap. Oh, and the final week he did the typical thing that guys do to find out if you have a boyfriend.

I was saying that I would have trouble trying to get this one thing to work that he was trying to sell me, and he said to me "I'm sure your BOYFRIEND would be able to help you with it, that is your boyfriend right, the other guy that comes here with you?" I of course took the hint and said "No way, he's just my roommate, I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND" (I wasn't lying either, he is dead to me).

Yeah, I know what you're tryin' to do, Weird Sale guy, I thought to myself. I SCORED! Even though I still don't know his name, I know I'm in there. He could very well be a murderer though. He is very strange and it took weeks to get him to open up to me. But we'll see. It's a big challenge, and I like challenges. Plus he has awesome stuff. And my boyfriend now SUX. As I said.

Come on, I can't date a guy who will not allow me to spill drinks in his room, wants me to kiss him in public, introduces me as his "girlfriend" as if I have no name or identity other than being HIS GIRLFRIEND. He's also broke, wears Old Spice, and he REFUSES to read my columns (which is actually a great thing because I can write things like this about him and not fear him reading them). In addition, Schlobo talks WAY too loud, tries to take advantage of me and my crappy rap act, makes shitty fliers for shows, wears athletic pants only, eats Indian food, has taken me out ONE TIME in our six-month dating period, got me practical items for Christmas (such as socks, clean blankets, etc.). THAT ALONE should have made me dump him.

Oh my God, I just realized I've been dating him since before Christmas. This is depressing. I've got to jump off the Jew train onto the serial-killer train. Actually one of the only things that made me like him is that he is Jewish and he looks good. I'm so over that though.

If I am somehow missing in the upcoming weeks though, find the Weird Sale and go through the 8mm film stock and maybe you'll see me getting cut up or something.