18 And Life

1. There is a 60-year-old woman whose diet consisted of pickles and cheap wine and she got a big red blotch all over her butt and crotch. It's really gross. I want to make sure I don't have that happen to me. But that's the direction in which I'm headed.

2. My doctor prescribed for me a medication to curb my drinking habits. One of the most common side effects is suicide attempts. One of the less common ones is sudden death. Sure beats drinking though. I wonder what would happen if they interfered, and while I was trying to kill myself, I experienced sudden death. At any rate, I know the doctor is trying to kill me.

3. There is a crack addict in my neighborhood named Jerry. One time his foot was bleeding, so I helped him clean it off and he gave me the world's smallest deck of tarot cards. Then he asked me if the drapes matched the carpet. He was really insistent on knowing, so I told him the carpet was infested with genital warts.

4. I have a relative named Jay who is gay and has AIDS and he wears a "Git 'er dun" hat. He's a huge perv and on top of all of the HIV meds he's on he drinks tons of alcohol. He ripped the sprinkler system out of a Cook County Jail cell. Then when he got out, he called those cops repeatedly and apologized, until they arrested him again for harassment.

5. Oprah is a defective monster.

6. I bought a load of Teddy Ruxpin dolls from eBay, and none of them work. I want to do a perverse show with Teddy, but I fear I will never get a real one. This lady I talk to completely anthropomorphizes the bear and never refers to it as it, always he. She says, for example, that "he had surgery on his neck," rather than "his neck was broken." She's fucking weird. She keeps sending me these broken bears, but she claims they work. I'm afraid to send them back now, because I think she thinks I might be breaking them, which I am not, but I think she's too senile to be selling things on eBay.

7. Pubic hairs are really hard to get out of the bottom of a tub. When I try to shave my crotch, it looks like a rat with mange is hanging out on my vadge.

8. I need to figure out at which point I should die so as to prolong my fame.

9. I cannot believe Ted Nugent has his own reality show and the prizes are like $500 for, like, wading thigh-deep through a sea of diarrhea only to find an American flag and salute it, and while you're covered in the diarrhea, to take the flag and plant it into the body of a chicken without a head.

10. Pubic warts clear themselves. It's great. But I just saw this fucking dermatologist book with tons of pictures of a snatch with a ton of them and it was really sick. I hope I don't turn into that.

11. I'm hungry.

12. That fucking surfer with one arm has a book out, so why the fuck don't I? It's all about God. It sucks. I want her to die. She can only swim in circles. What a fucking blessing.

13. I knew a girl that got cat scratch fever for real and she turned into a real bitch.

14. Someone I know just got a $10 pan set and he already fucked up a pan after one day when he decided to boil eggs while he was really drunk and passed out over the eggs and they got boiled into the pan, thereby ruining the $10 dollar pan set in a day.

15. Meg Ryan's lips look like two worms fornicating. Too much botox!

16. I love to watch fat mothers beat their children in grocery stores.

17. Once I dated a guy for six whole months and the highlight of the whole relationship was getting semi-raped by his friend who was really semi-retarded. He was slow like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

18. My mother having breast cancer was not a good memory for me, but there was this one photo of her that I still cannot stop laughing at where she has no hair and a birthday hat on for my birthday party. It's lovely.