Home Sweat Home

This bustling shit-hole where I live - you wouldn't believe it.

This is where my roommate has a collection of my tampons, which I'm not supposed to know about, and where drunken prostitutes are brought in along with men who steal computers.

One of my roommates walks around in his underpants while another one--who is desperate not to see the guy in his underpants--turns the air down to under 50 degrees. The idea is that it will be too cold for anyone inside not to be fully dressed.

So I awake each day in an arctic fucking tundra and, yet, I still see that one roommate prancing around in his underpants.

This is also where the sounds of smoking crack are so often heard. All that "uggh-phhfoooo-uggh-huhh" … it sounds like a dying horse. And then come the coughs, the hacking sounds of death.

There's one crack smoker around here who at least gets nicer after a hit, but only for about 15 minutes. Then he turns into a raging asshole who steals from me and throws me into ashtrays. It's always fun to have bruises that you can’t explain.

When I walk into my front room, I find people that look dead holding cigarettes that have been lit and not smoked, creating an ash about five inches long. They have their fucking heads down.

This morning, a bootleg version of Snakes on a Plane blasted from the television. In between the disgusting sounds of sucking and coughing up crack, all I could hear was, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE FUCKING SNAKES?"

One junkie lit another cigarette and then passed out. I watched it wither down until it burned his fingers and he threw it out. Then he lit another one.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I think I'm addicted to these living situations. In order to find a fork, the house has to be thoroughly searched and then the fork has to be scrubbed before you can eat with it.

If I weren't on enough methadone to kill a man each day, this stuff might bother me. But it's fine. I especially love when my stuff gets stolen. That's always fun. I get to yell at everyone and then throw books at people’s heads, because that's the only way I know how to fight … to throw books and shoes.

And then, of course, my three male roommates don't hesitate to make a hole in the wall with me; domestic violence is fun. I've managed to be drunk and fuck almost every male roommate I've ever had.

Of the three I cohabit with now, I dated one for about five years, I had sex another one several times, and the third one claims that he and I had sex, but I don't believe we did. He's also the one that's obsessed with me and, I believe, collects my feminine products. It's all so endearing.

Meanwhile, I sit here on the computer typing out people’s deepest, darkest secrets and sharing them with the world. It's really horrible. But besides the methadone and Xanax abuse, writing about this shit is the only way to cope. It's unreal.

Sex was an escape for a while. Crack-stupor rape isn't exactly "rape," is it?

There's a question for the ages.

Here's another: How do you get a cat addicted to drugs? I have had so many pets addicted to drugs it’s not even funny. There was one cat in particular.

My friend had after-hours parties for raves about ten years back and everyone would get all fucked up and drop their coke all over the floor, along with Ecstasy pills and whatever else you can think of, and this cat would eat it all. He was a total drug addict. People would think this behavior was abhorrent, but my friend was so proud that his cat was a drug vacuum cleaner.

This same fuck used to put my little bunny in a box and blow crack smoke into it. I don't like that shit. My poor little bunny. This man should be put away for sure. The poor thing grew a tumor and then some fuckhead dyed it purple.

There were two cats there too; no one would buy them food. My roommate would steal hot dogs for the cats and the cats would be eating the hotdogs and this poor rabbit was so hungry that it would bumrush the fucking cats to get to the hotdogs, so not only was the rabbit a crackhead, but it was carnivorous.

I once had a wonderful cat who looked just like Sarah Jessica Parker, but one day she got real horny so I let her out to go fuck this cat because the noises she was making were driving me fucking insane and she left, running away with her boyfriend.