Skullfucking Tyra

I have long been a fan of ANTM. It has been a major part of my life for years now. For those of you who are unfortunate enough to live in a hole, ANTM means America's Next Top Model, and it is perhaps one of the most amazing/despicably wonderful shows to grace television. And believe me... I luv me some TV Especially reality shows. I have seen girl after girl go on and make it and then cry and get kicked off by Janice Dickenson's botoxed-to-the-extreme face as she cackles at the photos before passing them to the loverly Miss J. By the way, Miss J, for those of you who aren’t ANTM regulars, is some sort of deformed version of a black Mommy Dearest if she Mommy Dearest were also a terrible looking transsexual who could get away with wearing a towel and a feather and calling it high fashion.

And then there's Tyra. There is far too much to say about the Tyranator. She’s done literally EVERYTHING to make money and now she is the next "Oprah,” which may or may not be a good thing – especially when she has the talk shows where she berates strippers for selling their bodies, without even mentioning once anything about the modeling industry or the irony of her condemnation. Yes, there is far too much to say about Tyra Banks for one little CJ post.

Since Cycle one of this show, I have tried to put my place into every episode and see how I would fair with all of those other bitches. The only one I felt some sort of connection with was Andrea from Cycle one who was very obviously a drug addict because she got a very mysterious "flu" lasting about five to seven days in which she had to be hospitalized, and then all of the sudden she was fine. Flu be damned… my guess: heroin withdraw. But besides that (or perhaps I should write “In addition to that”) she was crass as hell, and from Chi town, and no one could ever tell a word she said. She later was on Vh1's Surreal Life, where she did some more crazy shit, and then I think faded into obscurity.

After her, I still watched the show, but it was hard for me to identify with any of these idiots. Plus, I’ve started looking pregnant and I broke a tooth, so my chances of being on the show have pretty much gone down the toilet.

But no… finally in this last cycle we got introduced to Jael. I really didn’t care to watch ANTM anymore by the time she joined the contest, so I had to be told various times to watch this show and watch this crazy wonderful lady whose name was pronounced like a prison.

The first time I watched I was floored. She really had class. She did something that I always wanted to do. You see I’ve always wanted to be black, and I’ve always had a little chip on my shoulder because I’m not. But this girl, who has completely anglo-saxon features, claimed on the show to be half black and half jewish – "Blewish" as she called it. It was genius. That statement and a couple of others even got her thrown into a pool by 50 Cent. I want to be thrown into a pool by 50 Cent!!!!!

Then again… who doesn’t?

Jael, the little Blewish vixen, brought so much fun to the show while making it obvious that she didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. Two weeks into the show her friend had died of a drug overdose, and that caused some undue controversy to Tyra's image of the squeaky clean modeling industry where no one does drugs or has eating disorders and weighs 140 pounds and it's all good. That controversy inspired one of my friends to point out that if my presence was to ever grace ANTM, Jael and my stories would be quite similar.

Jael was of course kicked off the show for being "crass." Even funnier than that, every time Tyra called her up for her evaluation she would talk about how she didn't understand a single word Jael said. She did mumble a lot, as do I. It should also be pointed out that Jael is a total fucking hippie and seemingly loves everyone, and her personal page now calls the contestants "America's Next Top Monsters" and she did not like the competition or the way those other wannabe-model douchebags acted. I completely agree.

Jael was eliminated fairly late into the show, but I don't think she was in the top five or anything. However, she still hasn’t managed to fade into obscurity. Not that girl. She ended up moving back to Detroit and doing some modeling and promoting for some bands I've never heard of, but I heard her say in a recent interview that she is not gay, or straight, or bisexual, or queer, and that is how I feel. I would do it with a rock if I found it appropriate at the time. I believe she has some boyfriend now, but it doesn't matter. I plan to find her at this year's Burning Man Festival, and then we shall get married and fuck the shit out of as many female celebrities as we can. At least… that’s my new goal in life.

Jael Strauss and me… Meg… Lil Princess.... It would be such a great union...

First of all, we'd have to visit LA where I hear we can score some good drugs from Ms. Lohan who has now become the 20-year-old Robert Downey Jr. We'd do a bunch of Hollywood coke off of Lindsay’s tits and then Jael would perform oral sex on her because I would still be nervous.

After Lindsay we'd of course have to hit Bijou Phillips, as she has been a fantasy of mine for some time. And I think she would be our good friend. Then the last teen Hollywood girl stop would be Nicole Richie only because I hear she's preggers now and that would be hot. I want to drink her breast milk. Plus Jael and her are both Blewish, so there would be no cross breeding, for those against that

Jesus, there are so many possibilities with young Hollywood. I think we should kidnap Katie Holmes, just to get her away from that horrible pockmarcked bag of shit napoleoncomplex dickhole Tom Cruise. We'd make her crave lesbians and then she'd have to leave Scientology. If we happened to run into Angelina Jolie around the way, I think we'd just have to shoot her in the head.

With Angelina gone, I think we’d start hitting chicks from the View. Not hitting as in killing, but back to hitting as in fucking. I would like to get fat Rosie O'Donell and thin Star Jones in a room and make them fuck on camera. I don’t know exactly how we’d convince them, but it would probably involved a call to Ms. Lohan to snag some of that top--notch ecstasy she gets, toss it into a batch of brownies (how could Rosie or Star resist) and just watch those two go to town.

Where to from there… who knows? In Hollywood, the possibilities would be endless. Of course I'm going to get gross and say something about Dakota Fanning. But she is getting so goddamn sexy in her late years. Not only because I want to see America's Sweetheart play a terribly abused dirty little girl, but because I keep hearing these RIDICULOUS debates about how it shouldn't be her who did the rape scene in the upcoming movie she’s in. It should be another little girl.

I don’t know why people don’t want to see Dakota getting raped. With all the roles this brilliant little girl has played, I think she would be the most prepared that one can be for a role like that, if she wanted to do it, which she says she does. But Hollywood says NOOO, she was in some perverse movie with Bruce Willis, she can't get cinema raped, leave that up to some other girl who will fade into obscurity and pull a Dana Plato later in her life. Whatever – a tangent I know – but Jael and I will get her too. I don't know what will happen. I just want a piece of America's Sweetheart. Maybe she’d like it so much she’d join our gang. We'd kick Lohan and her shitty drugs outta the cult and get Dakota in. She of course would not be allowed near Ms. O'Donnel. That would be cruel and unusual. Or miss Jolie and all her "adopted big headed African-Asian kids who she puts in expensive clothes and cuts their hair in faux hawks"... HOW GROSS.

Finally, for Jael we'd get a bunch of our sex worker friends together to pay Tyra (miss "you can't sell your body, but you should be a model") a visit and we'd slip her some of Lohan's drugs, because they never run out. We’d invite all the dirty sex workers to a taping of the Tyra show and where the host would be so blitzed and drugged she’d finally say the very true statement that modeling is EXACTLY the same as prostitution. Then we would skullfuck her with strapons.

That’s right… Jael and I are going to skullfuck Tyra Banks.